Three Ways You’d Be Better Off as a Business

July 01, 2014

Today in “Companies Are Just Like Us” news, the Supreme Court has decided that Hobby Lobby, a for-profit chain of crafts stores that wants to discriminate on the basis of religion and not provide female employees access to contraceptives, is indeed exempt from following federal law!

What law is that, you may ask? The Affordable Care Act of course, which required that company insurance plans must fully cover contraception methods for their employees because, you know, that makes sense, right?

Not anymore, declared the Supreme Court, which in a 5-4 ruling decided that 90% of all American companies have the right to discriminate!

We know, on the surface this news sounds bad, but just think for a second. Perhaps this could be just the spice in your life you’ve been waiting for!

As individual freedoms and liberties continue to be canned in favor of treating corporations as people, we humans are being offered the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of jumping ship before it sinks—incorporate before it’s too late!

Quit that job, throw away those clothes, and become what you’ve always wanted to be—a living, breathing, and tax-liable legal entity!

Who needs children and pets when you have employees to take care of (especially when you can take away their rights when you deem fit)? More control, less birth!

Still not sold? Don’t fret, silly humans, perhaps this list of business’ benefits will change your mind!

Three Ways You'd Be Better Off as a Business

1. Your Religion is More Important Than Your Employees
The highest court in the country ruled today that it is acceptable for closely held corporations to use their religious beliefs to take away benefits guaranteed to their employees by law – something the Supreme Court has never before sanctioned. Everyone has the right to his or her religious beliefs, but those beliefs cannot be imposed on others.

2. Discriminate To Your Heart's Content
Yeah, sure, the Supreme Court noted that their ruling today only applies to preventing women from having contraceptives covered by employee health insurance but don’t worry—the possibility for discrimination is endless! Perhaps you’re tired of paying men and women equal pay or you’re sick of covering pesky blood transfusions when your employees suffer car accidents! At this pace, and with this court, we might soon see a day where religious exemptions can be used to help you get around all these labor laws and more!

3. Get a Seriously Hip Name
What do the names Bob, Jane, and Jill all have in common?

They’re all outdated and their rights are overrated! If you really want to build your street cred in the halls of D.C, look no further than Forbes’ 100: Berkshire Hathaway, ConocoPhillips, or Pfizer all reek of that high school-cool that you’ve been dying to revisit. Get out the letterman jacket, it’s time to strut your stuff and ask Exxon Mobil out to Senior Prom!

It seems as though big businesses have been given all the breaks lately (and they’re eating their cake, too) at our expense!

But, at least the government is leaving discrimination up to the companies and not us, right?

By Jonathan Moore, ACLU of Michigan Communications Intern

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